it started in 2015. my husband told me he was addicted to pain killers. wait, what? my brain went numb, i couldn't hear anything, there was a constant hum in my ears while he's telling me this. of course, my ever optimistic mind, we'll get you the help you need. nope. every time i had him close to the door to take him, he would chicken out, and so would i. i ended up becoming an enabler. if you can handle it, and be good about it, then you don't have to go. then comes the gambling. are you kidding me, right now? i go to the bank one day, to get some money for gas and groceries; what do you mean we're over drawn? seriously? they tell me, that my paycheck, that was deposited the night before, was gone, plus some. what? i asked where the card was used, Isle of Capri casino, ma'am. you're joking, right? all $500 something is gone, PLUS more? yes ma'am. OK. i went and got a loan, so we could get groceries. the following week comes...same damn thing. i try to get him off the bank account, to no avail. he has to be there. i lost it...week after week after week. this goes on for 6 months. then we finally get our tax refund, in February, I'm able to get the kid's valentine's presents, and get their stuff for their parties, and a little fabric for my self to make some dresses for the girl. then out of no where, he disappears, for 2 days, can't get a hold of him, we have one vehicle, and he's got it, and no one has seen him. seriously? i look at the bank account, all $8000, gone. where you ask...Isle of Capri casino. you've got to be effing kidding me. I've officially lost my mind. he comes home, like nothing is wrong, and i don't say a word. i completely ignore him for DAYS. now this isn't the first time, something like this has happened. the previous year, i had gotten us all caught up on bills, and then there was nothing left to do what we had wanted to do, my fault completely. a few years back, when he was gone all the time, i had gotten our finances all screwed up doing everything myself, so bad that we had to file bankruptcy. we've had our share of financial trouble for some time, but always made it out alive. i didn't think we'd make it out this time. we did, but not after having to loan after loan after loan, but by then we were in so deep, there was no coming back, bankruptcy it is! it saved our house, for a while, he quit gambling, even banned himself from the casino for 5 years. things are really starting to look up. i get another bank account, I'm paying our bills, on time! yay! pat on the back...then it starts all over...my debit card is missing, he's figured out the pin, and i can't find him, until i call my bank, and they tell me the last place it was used was...you guessed it, Isle of Capri. i literally couldn't stand, and said the words file fraud charges on my behalf. she said we can't do that, since he had the pin number...what? I've lost it, I've literally lost my damn mind. i go home, he's higher than kite, and he's lost all of our money, again. does he care? nope. a few more weeks go by, there's no money to pay anything, the power goes out. wonderful...here we are the end of summer in swampeast Missouri, it's still 100 degrees outside in September, and we have no electricity. move everyone's beds downstairs, and we camp out. he falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up for 3 days...fun times. me and the kids read to each other, talk, and play games. they actually enjoyed doing this. they helped me make Crisco candles, which by the way, are amazing...try it one day. they helped with the dogs, giving them cool baths to keep them from over heating, cleaning up and decorating the basement (we had to do something to keep ourselves busy), we painted pictures, and played on the pool table. we went to the park everyday to play, they were enjoying just spending time with me. ME, just me. hes still sleeping...on the 5th day, i was done, and so were the kids. i got up the courage to call my mom. not to ask her to help me get the power back on, but to come and take me and the kids away. I'd had enough. he'd become violent, to me and the kids, just plain rage full. i was done. she and my brother came the very next day and we left with the clothes on our backs.
so here we are, 6 months later, living with my mom. i got an ex-parte order on my husband, because once he woke up and figured out we were gone, i didn't know how he would react. I've filed for divorce, and we go to court in April. he hasn't seen the kids since thanksgiving, because of choices he has made, and the people that he keeps around him. in the process of losing my marriage, i have found happiness. finally, happiness. strength. courage. PEACE. but out of all of this, i have found my children. i am closer to them than i have ever been. and I'm at peace with the decision that i made because of that.
Noah is doing well in school, FINALLY. he's making friends, and constantly playing his video games, and is all around, a happy kid.
Bella, is amazing. she's learning to read, and is getting better everyday, she's great at math! thank God, cause that is not my strength. she is happy, wonderful, STRONG, and resilient. she puts a smile on my face daily.
i found a quote on Pinterest, of course. that changed the way i looked at my life after all of this.
"when God shows you it's time to let
someone go, and you refuse to,
He will allow that person to
hurt you to the point you have
no choice but to let go."
THIS. So this was His plan. WOW. it literally took me leaving, to see what his plan was. this was his plan all along. to make me see the problem, to make me understand that my marriage was beyond repair, and that THAT WAS OK with Him.
I know, sometimes it's hard to see what you don't want to see. but that's ok! God will make sure that you see it one day, he will always make sure that the plan he has for you, works out. it may take you a while, but you will see it, maybe in the depths of darkness, you will see it.
hopefully, i can keep this up. I've found that writing is helping me get through this. I've joined Quora, which is so amazing! you answer questions, with your knowledge, and understanding of life, and it helps people. even just reading answers to questions has helped me! I've answered several questions, but the one that has the most views was "What have you given up for your son or daughter?" you can probably guess my answer...
so until next time, remember, God has a plan for you...don't worry about it, it will all work out one day.
